13 In law Relations

Week 13 Blog In-Law Relations

     When we think marriage we think of a perfect union with our beloved spouse forever almost perfection but we sometimes forget when we marry, we marry their family as well. I'm not talking about being completely enmeshed in a controlling way, just that there is some enmeshment which I’ll explain later, I’m referring to the culture in one family verses the culture in the other family. How do we put it all together to create the new family? I have to say the struggle is real and involves eloquence, patience and love. 

     Elder Marvin J Ashton said, "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement." Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(James M. Harper  & Susanne Frost Olsen)* I love the way this quote teaches us that roles may change but family is still valuable.     

     When I married, I moved completely across the country from Florida to north of Seattle, Washington. We were near his family and I wanted to build close relationships with my new relatives. I wanted a second mom, a new sister and someone I felt close to and could call for anything. That isn’t how it happened. Genesis 2: 24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." His mom did not see the value of this scripture. 

     There was some enmeshment from my husband’s mother and she wasn’t thrilled I was taking her son. She made it clear with non-verbal communication that I was not her daughter, nor was I good enough for her son, “Bradley the Great,” yes, she actually called him that. Hind sight, it should have been a red flag; luckily she was the only one who assumed he was perfect. "One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. That is when a married couple begins to think of themselves as existing together as a unit separate from others in the family.  Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(J. Harper & S. Olsen)* As Brad and I set boundaries as a new unit there were some trouble spots and ultimately over time our marital identity became stronger and there began to be less conflicts.       

     There were lots of implicit family rules, non-spoken rules that were followed by everyone but me. For example, “shut up” was bad. Shopping at Macy’s was the only place to shop and you never went into a thrift store. I grew up going to thrift stores, saving money was an art form to be proud of and I took pride in reclaiming products and fixing them up. Even today I live in a big beautiful home decorated with items I found and restored. I learned to refinish furniture, build patios and developed other talents I am proud of my husband loves this; his hard earned paycheck is stretched much farther by my skills. Skills my mother in law used to scorn.

     Despite the fact that I couldn’t be a daughter I decided I could go with the friend aspect and we have come to a mutual appreciation. I continued in my effort for my husband’s sake and for my children. I want them to love their family and it gives them more roots.

    Some other implicit family rules, girls did not mow the lawn, girls did cook homemade bread and make pot roast on Sundays. My mother in law was a wonderful cook and taught me lots of yummy things like making freezer jam, homemade bread and rhubarb pie and adding some of the family recipes to my list of meals to cook. I could definitely get on board with that. I did still mow lawns and no, I did not choose to do roast on Sundays, it’s a day of rest and we have leftovers from Sat.  

     Building your own family while maintaining extended family relationships is important, these relationships often need some boundaries and lots of love. Assuring my mom-in-law that I only wanted to add to the family not take her son was something she needed to hear. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I am the mother in law. I have the best in-law-kids ever! One calls me Mom the other two do not but we are close, I let it be their choice. When my kids married I felt like I gained new kids, not lost my originals. You can’t have too much family in my opinion and I value the strengths each has brought to the overall group.  

     I taught my kids to think and pray so when they think differently than I do, it’s okay, I know they are praying and asking for guidance from the Lord, nothing makes me more proud then to know they are living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We all still love each other even when we are not together. Since relationships are the only thing we will take with us when we die, they are invaluable and precious. Find a way to work it out, whatever it is, it’ll be worth it.

*Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, Chapter 37, (James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen)  

12 Becoming One in My Marriage

12   Becoming One in My Marriage

     When you take two completely different individuals with different cultures and back grounds and put them under one roof there are sure to be conflict and struggle. As the logistics of the relationship are worked out conflict happens less often and hopefully some of these differences find way to a joint collaboration. Ideally these differences are worked out before children arrive on the scene and throw a wrench into the middle of it all and begin playing parent off of each other. This can create lots of unnecessary strife and hurt between the couple unless they know how to be united as one.

     Parents are the leaders in the family And in a healthy, well functioning family there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the "executive committee" and the "Board of Directors" of the family. (Who is the boss power relationships and families," Richard Miller BYU Conference on Family Life, March 2008)

     Here is an example of a less than stellar moment in our marriage where we were not united and how it caused some conflict. My oldest was about 13 years old and decided he wanted to argue about something he was asked to do. My husband walked in mid-conversation and said, and I quote,” Miranda why don’t you just drop it, you’re the adult?” Yes he actually said that, I was completely flabbergasted that my husband would undermine me that way and said in a very tight strained voice, “Will you please talk with me in the library?” At least we knew to talk away from the kids. “I turned and asked him, if he ever spoke to his mother that way and he said, “No.” I said, “Why not?” He said, his dad “would have killed him.” I then asked why he allows his son to talk to his wife that way. His response, “I have No idea.” Thank goodness I had a wise husband and he promptly went out and handled the teenager. After that when I had a mouthy teen he would take them in to the library and have a chat.  

     When Henry B. Eyring, (Power From on High, (Ensign, 1998), mentioned having unity in families after being softened by the spirit and that unity provided great power. It made me realize that as we are unified we will be able to feel the workings of the spirit and if we responded to those soft feelings from the Savior we are worthy to have power from on high. I could certainly use some wisdom from on high.  He also warned about pride in relationships and the destruction it causes and the importance of being peacemakers. Matt 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be calle the children of God."

                                 

     As far as workings of the spirit go we used to pray daily for each of the 5 kids by name asking for guidance to know what and how to create opportunities for them to gain a relationship with the Savior. We had scripture reading almost every day, prayers and FHE (family home evening) each was high on the list of important daily and weekly activities. These activities provide opportunity for spiritual discussion and instruction. We were always unified in these activities.

     Striving to have the spirit in your home and in decisions made on a daily basis can help keep unity in not only marriage but in families as well. I asked two of my married daughters if they could think of a time when we had unity in reference to us being parents and them as kids and they both said they couldn’t think of one because we always seemed to have unity. That was amazing to hear from some of my kids.

     Being peacemakers is definitely a way to become one in marriage as well. Always keeping in mind the tone you use when speaking to each other. We have a little code word we use to check the tone being used. I ask my husband, “Is that a tone?” that’s a heads up to check how he is speaking, when he asks me, “Are you being sassy?” I know I need to check myself. It’s so nice that his innocent question is a great reminder to check my sassy voice often I don’t even realize I’m sounding snappy. It’s something we use to be sure neither one of us become one of those couples that speak so rudely to each other. We always ask with a smile.

     I mentioned pride and the destruction it can cause. Many marriages struggle when the battle over who is in control becomes more important than being equal partners. Couples must be united together when they make decisions and counsel together for the good of the family. Treating each other with love and respect keeps communication open and unified. Praying for understanding and guidance also helps. After all aren’t we planning to be together forever? Anything amazing I have ever accomplished required sacrifice, work and dedication and none of those things were as important as my marriage.

  

      

11 Fidelity and Intimacy

Week 11 Blog Fidelity and Intimacy

     Emotional Infidelity or emotional intimacy with someone else is a form of cheating and it is one of two things that jumped out at me this week. What is it? When your emotions and thoughts are not focused on your spouse they are directed toward someone else. It’s a form of cheating since you are cutting your spouse out and sharing the emotional part of yourself with someone else. Being emotionally intimate usually happens with someone we are attracted to in some way, weather it is because they are a good listener, or empathetic or simply kind. If the relationship has becomes a crutch and giving you an excuse to remain distant from your spouse, you are participating in emotional infidelity.

     I’ve seen this happen to friends, some good Christians, others not. It seems to sneak up on the unsuspecting and before they realized it the marriage was in trouble. It also seemed to have a pattern and no one is immune to it. I know that seems harsh but given the right set of circumstances anyone could fall into Pandora’s Box. Safeguarding yourself with a few precautions can help you from falling into the trap.

     I call it a trap and use the word fall because most people who find themselves in the Emotional infidelity category didn’t plan for it to happen. It wasn’t intentional per se but they did ignore some warning signs and that my friend is a part of the danger. What are some of the warning signs? 

•  When the friendship becomes special as H. Wallace Goddard mentions in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  
• When you feel the need to defend the time spent with them and wonder what others may think.
•  Making excuses for time spent is another warning sign.  

     If you find yourself doing these things you may want to reprioritize your relationship and recommit to the one you promised all your heart to. 

     This brings me to the second thing that jumped out this week. What is all my heart? In Goddard’s book he references Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all the heart, thou shalt cleave unto her and none else.” He says, “No sharing, no dividing, no depriving the words none else eliminate everyone and everything.” That narrows it down to only the person we are lawfully and legally married to.  

      In order to turn spiritual infidelity from a negative to a more achievable sounding event lets change our thinking to Spiritual fidelity as Goddard phrases it. Spiritual fidelity to our spouse certainly has a more positive sound to improving the marriage. Spiritual fidelity to the one we are married to can bring enormous blessings and closeness not found in other relationships. This takes work we can look at those who have the relationship we desire and they may make it look easy but it isn’t and it requires sacrifice and dedication. You may start with asking yourself, “How much do you desire to have that kind of relationship? “ And, “What are you willing to do to achieve it?”

 After 33 years of marriage I have a few ideas:

• ·       Date night is a must and it doesn't have to be big, a twist cone at McDonalds,  sitting on the rock out front, going for a walk, play a game together. It all counts, take time to like each other.  
• ·       Always give a kiss and hug before leaving and when coming home. You never know when one of you may not make it back home. The kiss and hug would mean a lot to the one left behind. I hope this isn’t morbid but I didn’t ever what the last thing someone remembered about me to be unkind words. I always added, “Be safe, I love you.” Who doesn’t want to come home to that?!
• ·       Find out what your spouse most appreciates: My husband liked dinner, I preferred he take the baby off my hands so I could make dinner. Right before he came home I would throw onion and butter in a pan so the house smelled great, like I was actually making dinner…. He would come in and say how great it smelled and ask, “What’s for dinner?” I would say, “It’s a surprise,” he would take the baby and then I’d get creative and figure out what the heck I was going to make because it was going to be a surprise to me too. It worked for us.
• ·       Plan quality time that’s code for well you know….. It sounds silly but with 5 kids it wasn’t going to happen if we didn’t plan ahead. We also had code words that would prepare the other if someone wanted an impromptu rendezvous.
• ·       Put your phone, book, paper, iPad, or whatever distraction down and listen. Give your spouse your undivided attention for 15 minute every day at some point.
• ·       Say thank you often, thank you, thank you, thank you find something to be thankful for.  

     That’s a few good ones to start with. 

     Marriage is like taking a trip to Disney World, there are lots of ways to get there, plane, drive, bike, walk, train or bus. Some are definitely easier and less time consuming but all will eventually get you there. You may have delays or cancelations, flat tires or layovers but you don’t give up and just bail out, you find another way, you’ve been planning this trip as long time and you are going to Disney. Marriage is the same it’s a journey toward a very special place, you may have flat tires and lay overs but the journey will be worth it if you don’t give up and stay focused on the end goal.

     When preparing for your trip you take certain things you’ll need to be able to enjoy your time in the Magic Kingdom and marriage again needs certain things, complete fidelity and devotion with all your heart are things you will need to enjoy your trip.                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                            Be safe, I love you!

10 Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

10                                        Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

     One of the most important things I learned from H. Wallace Goddard’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is that there is always room for improvement even in the strongest marriages. Within each relationship there is change and growth meaning we are all learning and growing and changing and that is a good thing. The change and growth requires some adjustment in my relationship and since I cannot change anyone else but myself it is a great place to start.                                                                                                                 

     Every marriage as it grows and changes will have good and challenging parts about it, this does not mean the marriage is in trouble or bad it’s just different. Different is just that, different. An example might be after I had a baby my body was different, not bad just different and that took adjustment and ironically the changes turned out to be a huge blessing because well we had a little human of our own. Just like baring a child is tough we do it because there are blessings and growth down the road. We are playing the long game. Relationships are like that sometimes the adjustments are tough but aren’t we building something that will last through eternity, the long game?

     Learning to have respect for my husband’s differences including his dreams and  trying to understand why he feels the way he does are ways I can open doors to better communication. This will bring us even closer as a couple as we work through the challenges. Having a child changed who I was, it changed who he was as well, and growth does that.  

     Being quick to forgive and humble enough to be teachable are both ways that I can improve my relationship with my husband. Focusing on the good is a way for me to improve my thoughts. I have to remember he is on my side, he wants me to succeed as much as I want him to succeed, we are not in competition we are a team.  I have a saying that says, “What you see depends on what you’re looking for.” What am I looking for? Good deeds, thoughtful acts, kind words or am I looking for the towel not to be hung perfect or the dish to be left in the sink? What would the Savior be looking for?

     Seeking to understand and truly trying to feel what my spouse feels is a perfect way to start. Using Christ as an example of loving unconditionally reminds me that if I choose to follow him then I choose to change myself. Fixing my partner isn’t an option and fixing me is. How can I expect my spouse to understand me if I don’t first seek to understand him? Catherine Thomas nailed it on the head when she said, “We often get things backwards, much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but for the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”) Yikes have I been guilty of that?! I’m afraid so, I love that it makes me take a hard look at myself. There is no improvement if I don’t recognize where I need to grow. Growth is tough, but isn’t everything you ever worked hard for been something you value? 
     
     An example of when my husband helped me work hard on something and succeed was when I decided to join a Ragnar running team. I was super nervous and begin preparing months in advance. He always asked how my run went as I was training and when race weekend came he supported me. It was my 3rd leg and I was just completing the end of 1 1/2 mile uphill section before my last little bit and there he was in his truck parked at the top of the hill waving. It helped me push through the final leg so I could hand off to runner # 3.  

  

    A time when I helped him succeed was when he wanted to build our dream house himself. Yep he did it, I supported him by bringing dinner up to the house every night, with our 5 kids (13-3)we had prayers and scriptures. Once the kids were in bed  run back and help for a while. During the day while he was at work I'd sweep and clean up his work area so it was ready to go after work. I helped frame wall and sat on top of lifted walls while he lowered trusses with a tractor. I ran chop saw, learned to tile floors and hang cabinets and put in windows and other fun things. Together we can do amazing things. So helping each other succeed we can accomplish great things. Here's our house. I think it turned out great. 

   No matter how fantastic my husband is he cannot read my mind. I wish he could truly but he doesn’t so I need to share my needs and feelings and put him out of the misery of trying to guess. He’s great at saying I love you every day but  sometimes I wish he’d throw his schedule to the wind and say, “I want to spend the day with you today. What shall we do? “Wouldn’t that be awesome? I guess I should tell him. See always room for growth even while blogging.

9 Conflict 101

9                                                                   Conflict 101
OK we’ve all been there . I remember when my husband and I were first married I tried arguing with him a few times that’s the kind of family I grew up in. However it was almost a complete waste of my time he did not argue back. Where’s the fun in that? I have learned after 33 years that even though we don’t fight and argue we do have conflict. I wouldn’t say it’s more civilized we do get frustrated sometimes inpatient, critical and most definitely stonewalled. I want to talk about it, I want to get it off my chest, I want to deal with the problem now and work through it he doesn’t. Stonewalled ugh!

     If I’m being honest the fact that he doesn’t want to work on the problem is one of our problems. I’m not one for carrying a grudge and I really would rather just talk about it right now. I most certainly need to talk about it before I go to bed otherwise I’m not getting any sleep. He feels flooded by all the information and things he is feeling and needs time to think and process.

     I have on occasion waited to bring something up for several days. At one point I had five little kids at home and I was feeling the effects of very little sleep and a 24 hour a day seven days a week responsibility and little people needing something around the clock, forget going to the restroom by myself. I was trying to find a way to let my husband now I needed some help, a break, some time with him, time away from them (little people) looking back on it I don’t know I just didn’t say that to him. He was working really hard and doing the best he could and I didn’t want him to feel like a bad person or that I wasn’t happy so I stewed about it for a week or so, and when I finally felt like I could talk about it in a kind way without anger, frustration or contempt in my voice I simply said, “You have been a very good electrician this week and that’s all.” Thank goodness he was emotionally intelligent man, lucky me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.

     I do not recommend trying to say something without really saying something it’s the hard way. I do recommend as John Gottman said in, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” you simply say exactly how you’re feeling and exactly what you need or want. It probably would’ve been much easier for me to just say I’m tired, I need a break, I need some time with you, and I miss you. I was young and overwhelmed. If you haven’t had the opportunity to feel overwhelmed by your children just wait it’s coming, I promise.
     I read this book years ago called, “How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk,” I can’t remember the author. It was very helpful and gave me some really good suggestions much like Dr. Gottman‘s book and the tips from there worked really good on husbands as well. For example if you need the garbage taken out you can say, “Take the garbage out sheesh, how any times do I have to ask?” or “Is there any reason you couldn’t run the garbage out, thanks.” Of course there isn’t a good reason and wa-la your garbage is on its way to the garage. Magic, it’s the words and the way we ask for what we need. (I’m not talking about needing a new pair of cute shoes you have to have) I’m talking emotional need.  It can change your conflict to a small percentage of your relationship.  

     Some conflict can be solved fairly quickly like my husband in the way he squeezes his toothpaste. I just bought us each our own tube. Problem solved.  Some conflict is going to continue or be perpetual. For example my husband will continue to make piles, I have two choices get upset and  be frustrated or realize he’s going to make piles and stack things and I need to give him a space ( a whole room) he can do that and just close the door. When the piles start to encroach into my living room or my kitchen I simply pick them up and move them back to his office. We probably all saw the movie frozen: Let it go is great advice, just don’t start singing it!

  I love animals and my husband is not an animal person. We have two cats and a dog. We have come to the mutual understanding that having a pet in the house does not mean they have to be in the bedrooms or anywhere near our bed. As a matter fact our dog does not even come upstairs. He’s not allowed and he’s smart enough to know he shouldn’t try it. I do not expect my husband to ever clean out the litter box. This is my love and he puts up with it because he loves me. It’s a problem we have solved by both compromising.
     I try to treat my husband as well as, if not better, than I might treat a guest in my house after all he’s my best friend. He’s not perfect but he is mine!

8 Pride

8                          Learning to Check My Pride at the Garage Door.

     His way, my way, or the highway, can there truly be no other option? When it comes to marriage and family there is no room for pride. It takes up too much space and it hurts too many feelings and basically gets us nobody anywhere except in the dog house. Why is it is so easy to see pride in other people and so hard to see in myself? I wish we had a mirror for that, when I find myself feeling contentious instead of self-reflecting to see if I’m the problem, I could just run to a mirror and see the ugly part I need to get rid of deal with it and be on my way. Or better yet take a pill or receive an inoculation and be cured.

     Ezra Taft Benson mentioned several, okay a lot, of different types of pride: faultfinding, gossiping, complaining, criticizing, backbiting, being unforgiving or jealousy. It can be conceited, selfish, fighting, using unrighteousness dominion even withholding gratitude. It  usually brings contention with it so it’s not too hard to recognize especially when we see it in others.  
     Benson states, ‘Pride is a universal sin.” At least I’m not the only one dealing with it. Sin is a tricky word. Does that mean his (my husbands) will verses my will or His will, meaning the Saviors will, verses my will? If it’s the Saviors will that would take on a different connotation needing some repentance on my part. Ezra Taft Benson says, “The antidote for pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness”-(Alma 7:23) it is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I find it really easy to want to fix others it’s much more difficult to fix myself.

     One example of my pride brings contention into my marriage: Whenever my husband borrows something from my tool box (we have separate ones) or my gardening tools, shovels etc. it goes missing. I find them in the yard, on the top of the washing machine, on the floor of the garage, in the back of his truck and everywhere but where he got them, which is on a shelf or a hook in the garage. This makes me crazy…..You tell me am I the one being prideful or is he the problem? Okay you probably shouldn’t answer that. I have 2 choices be frustrated with him and explain his obvious sin or just smile change my attitude, since it is all I can change after 33 years of trying to change him and put away whatever was left out myself.

     Using my agency and forgiving him and just putting it away is changing myself, it is really all I can do, I’m choosing him over my tools, he is more valuable than my tools are. I’m choosing kindness, forgiveness, charity and love, the Saviors way. “Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into you Marriage) I can choose to be forgiving letting go of my righteous pride and how good I am about putting things away and realize he’s just good at other stuff. Does a happy marriage require 2 forgivers? Yes I believe it does. Do you?

7 How do we turn toward each other and not away?

7           How do we turn toward each other and not away?

      It is so easy to be distracted by my electronic devices that I have found myself sitting at a restaurant with my husband looking at my phone and believe it or not he is doing the same. When did this happen? It didn’t used to be this way. I wouldn’t call this quality time and isn’t that the reason we went out? How do we put down our phones to really connect and turn towards one another like we used to? What happened? 

As I look around the restaurant I see the same thing going on at other tables. I’m afraid we have an epidemic on our hands. I’ve been guilty of texting a kid upstairs to say, “Come to dinner.”  
How have we become so busy that we schedule time together and when we are together we struggle with focusing on each other? Where do we find the self-control to put down our devices? 

     I found a couple of good ideas in my continued reading this week. One of my favorites has become “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John D. Gottman. He has some great ideas on how to turn towards one another and improve our relationships and who doesn’t want better relationships in their life? 

     One of the several of the ways he encourages us to turn towards each other is by practicing positive feedback, (this can be done verbally or nonverbally by using eye contact and responding to what they are saying.) This is more that uh huh or an occasional glance and can be more friendly when we angle our body and face the person speaking and look them in the eye. Another way is to be helpful and kind, answering bids for each other‘s attention, affection humor or support. A bid can be something small like asking for a back rub or saying hi. Depending on how you respond means you’re turning toward or away from your spouse. Being a good listener is important. Good listening is more than polite listening, it’s more empathetic or attentive. Give your spouse the benefit of doubt and react in a positive manner, put your electronics down, talk to each other, take turns, show interest, communicate that you understand, use positive words, be affectionate and validate your spouse’s emotions. 

     Okay so it’s a big list of ideas, I don’t have to do it all at once or even everything on the list but I just need to start somewhere. Any step I take brings me closer to my spouse and that is what I want. He is my best friend after all and I want to keep it that way. I decided to try out some of the new advice I read and I wanted to start small. So today as my husband walked to the kitchen I said , “hi cute man”, he did not respond my first thought was I put a “bid of affection” out there as Dr. Gottman calls  it and he turned away. But I was mistaken just as my husband was exiting the kitchen he said over his shoulder, "I thought I was the hot man” So I said “hi hot man," it made me smile. I had tossed an affectionate bid his directions and he had accepted it. That was test number one.

     A little bit later in the day I decided to try it out again this time I said, “Hey hot man do you want to go for a walk along the river?”  He looked at me smiled and said, “Sure.” This is working so either Dr. Gottman is a genius or I have a great husband, hey maybe it’s both! I continued to test this theory throughout the week and found we are doing pretty well at accepting each other’s bids for affection and attention.

     I like this because Gottman mentions several times in his book these are signs of a healthy marriage or relationship and that successful marriages accept bids from each other 86% of the time (Gottman pg. 88.) I think taking notice of these moments is also going to have other benefits for me, for example gratitude for the man I love will increase as I notice his responses or bids to me. Affection for his attempts and responses will grow more and these will bring us closer. In turning toward him I’m still going to have to be the one to put down my phone or leave it in my pocket when we go out but isn’t it a small thing for the guy I adore? Yes, yes it is.