7 How do we turn toward each other and not away?

7           How do we turn toward each other and not away?

      It is so easy to be distracted by my electronic devices that I have found myself sitting at a restaurant with my husband looking at my phone and believe it or not he is doing the same. When did this happen? It didn’t used to be this way. I wouldn’t call this quality time and isn’t that the reason we went out? How do we put down our phones to really connect and turn towards one another like we used to? What happened? 

As I look around the restaurant I see the same thing going on at other tables. I’m afraid we have an epidemic on our hands. I’ve been guilty of texting a kid upstairs to say, “Come to dinner.”  
How have we become so busy that we schedule time together and when we are together we struggle with focusing on each other? Where do we find the self-control to put down our devices? 

     I found a couple of good ideas in my continued reading this week. One of my favorites has become “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John D. Gottman. He has some great ideas on how to turn towards one another and improve our relationships and who doesn’t want better relationships in their life? 

     One of the several of the ways he encourages us to turn towards each other is by practicing positive feedback, (this can be done verbally or nonverbally by using eye contact and responding to what they are saying.) This is more that uh huh or an occasional glance and can be more friendly when we angle our body and face the person speaking and look them in the eye. Another way is to be helpful and kind, answering bids for each other‘s attention, affection humor or support. A bid can be something small like asking for a back rub or saying hi. Depending on how you respond means you’re turning toward or away from your spouse. Being a good listener is important. Good listening is more than polite listening, it’s more empathetic or attentive. Give your spouse the benefit of doubt and react in a positive manner, put your electronics down, talk to each other, take turns, show interest, communicate that you understand, use positive words, be affectionate and validate your spouse’s emotions. 

     Okay so it’s a big list of ideas, I don’t have to do it all at once or even everything on the list but I just need to start somewhere. Any step I take brings me closer to my spouse and that is what I want. He is my best friend after all and I want to keep it that way. I decided to try out some of the new advice I read and I wanted to start small. So today as my husband walked to the kitchen I said , “hi cute man”, he did not respond my first thought was I put a “bid of affection” out there as Dr. Gottman calls  it and he turned away. But I was mistaken just as my husband was exiting the kitchen he said over his shoulder, "I thought I was the hot man” So I said “hi hot man," it made me smile. I had tossed an affectionate bid his directions and he had accepted it. That was test number one.

     A little bit later in the day I decided to try it out again this time I said, “Hey hot man do you want to go for a walk along the river?”  He looked at me smiled and said, “Sure.” This is working so either Dr. Gottman is a genius or I have a great husband, hey maybe it’s both! I continued to test this theory throughout the week and found we are doing pretty well at accepting each other’s bids for affection and attention.

     I like this because Gottman mentions several times in his book these are signs of a healthy marriage or relationship and that successful marriages accept bids from each other 86% of the time (Gottman pg. 88.) I think taking notice of these moments is also going to have other benefits for me, for example gratitude for the man I love will increase as I notice his responses or bids to me. Affection for his attempts and responses will grow more and these will bring us closer. In turning toward him I’m still going to have to be the one to put down my phone or leave it in my pocket when we go out but isn’t it a small thing for the guy I adore? Yes, yes it is.