6 The Greastest Joy is From Sacrifice

6        5/28/19             The Greastest Joy is From Sacrifice            

     Sacrificing for the ones we love can, and usually is, inconvenient. So how do we show the people we love the most, understanding and patience the same way we give understanding and patience to others outside our family? It’s an old question but in my research this week I’ve discovered some great advice and ideas that can help me as I try to show understanding better today than I did yesterday.

     In my marriage we have certain things that come up repeatedly, not big things but certainly annoying things. For example the pillow on the couch gets stuffed down into the crack when my husband sits there. He never pulls it out, but insists on needing that pillow. I have to get in there and pull for all I’m worth to get it out of there. It drives me crazy but it’s not a deal breaker. I realize this is a silly example but it still makes me annoyed.  

      It reminds me of a quote by Daniel Wile, a marriage therapist, he mentions when we chose a spouse we are choosing a set of problems. “Each potential relationship has its own particular set up inescapable reoccurring problems…. There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, and realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolved problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years,”(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.) We can feel mad and can feel like we've been cheated because of the problems. We can even start some other relationship – which will of course, have its own challenges or we can work on our challenges current in our relationship and become good at solving them.

       Back to the couch pillow, I can get mad, I can throw it out, have no pillows at all or I can even get another pillow but inevitably a pillow will find its way to the couch behind my husband and I will more than likely be pulling it out of the couch for 10, 20 or even 50 years from now. Life can be annoying, challenging or frustrating but can’t it still be good? I think it can be more than good even with the challenges of the day weather, big or small.

     Elder Boyd K Packer said, “It was meant to be, that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. They will be great purpose in our struggle in life” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.) Great purpose, really? What can I learn from pulling the pillow out of the couch for the next 50 years? Patience? Understanding? Compassion? Am I focusing on the right thing, the pillow? Or should I be focused on my husband? Does the pillow change how I feel about my husband? How much will I have to sacrifice in allowing him to stuff that silly pillow? Not much, not really, my husband is certainly more important than the pillow or how the room looks or what others think of the room if they come in and see the pillow half shoved into the couch. It’s really not much of a sacrifice when I look at it that way.       

     Howard and Kathleen Bahr stated in past history “Having sacrificed, and then sacrifice for -was the essential glue of moral society. We cannot keep our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time. A godly approach to marriage will entail inconvenience and sacrifice." (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage) Ok so the pillow is inconvenient, that’s it. So I ask myself what I can do for my partner that would be an appreciated sacrifice. Can I set aside or reduce my time spent gardening, watching Hawaii 5-O, reading, doing homework or shopping?  What activity would I be willing to give up to strengthen my relationship? Can I be a better listener, help pull the garbage out, hold my pillow judgment to myself and can I be more loving and supportive? Maybe instead of changing my husband pillow habit maybe I can focus on my attitude, something I can change.

     I think Tzventan Todorov says it best, “It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes Godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partner and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house. To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person it means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so in the end one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.” What else can be added to that?  I can actually feel richer and have more joy for devoting time and energy to those I love and having had the opportunity to do so. I am truly blessed.