9 Conflict 101

9                                                                   Conflict 101
OK we’ve all been there . I remember when my husband and I were first married I tried arguing with him a few times that’s the kind of family I grew up in. However it was almost a complete waste of my time he did not argue back. Where’s the fun in that? I have learned after 33 years that even though we don’t fight and argue we do have conflict. I wouldn’t say it’s more civilized we do get frustrated sometimes inpatient, critical and most definitely stonewalled. I want to talk about it, I want to get it off my chest, I want to deal with the problem now and work through it he doesn’t. Stonewalled ugh!

     If I’m being honest the fact that he doesn’t want to work on the problem is one of our problems. I’m not one for carrying a grudge and I really would rather just talk about it right now. I most certainly need to talk about it before I go to bed otherwise I’m not getting any sleep. He feels flooded by all the information and things he is feeling and needs time to think and process.

     I have on occasion waited to bring something up for several days. At one point I had five little kids at home and I was feeling the effects of very little sleep and a 24 hour a day seven days a week responsibility and little people needing something around the clock, forget going to the restroom by myself. I was trying to find a way to let my husband now I needed some help, a break, some time with him, time away from them (little people) looking back on it I don’t know I just didn’t say that to him. He was working really hard and doing the best he could and I didn’t want him to feel like a bad person or that I wasn’t happy so I stewed about it for a week or so, and when I finally felt like I could talk about it in a kind way without anger, frustration or contempt in my voice I simply said, “You have been a very good electrician this week and that’s all.” Thank goodness he was emotionally intelligent man, lucky me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.

     I do not recommend trying to say something without really saying something it’s the hard way. I do recommend as John Gottman said in, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” you simply say exactly how you’re feeling and exactly what you need or want. It probably would’ve been much easier for me to just say I’m tired, I need a break, I need some time with you, and I miss you. I was young and overwhelmed. If you haven’t had the opportunity to feel overwhelmed by your children just wait it’s coming, I promise.
     I read this book years ago called, “How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk,” I can’t remember the author. It was very helpful and gave me some really good suggestions much like Dr. Gottman‘s book and the tips from there worked really good on husbands as well. For example if you need the garbage taken out you can say, “Take the garbage out sheesh, how any times do I have to ask?” or “Is there any reason you couldn’t run the garbage out, thanks.” Of course there isn’t a good reason and wa-la your garbage is on its way to the garage. Magic, it’s the words and the way we ask for what we need. (I’m not talking about needing a new pair of cute shoes you have to have) I’m talking emotional need.  It can change your conflict to a small percentage of your relationship.  

     Some conflict can be solved fairly quickly like my husband in the way he squeezes his toothpaste. I just bought us each our own tube. Problem solved.  Some conflict is going to continue or be perpetual. For example my husband will continue to make piles, I have two choices get upset and  be frustrated or realize he’s going to make piles and stack things and I need to give him a space ( a whole room) he can do that and just close the door. When the piles start to encroach into my living room or my kitchen I simply pick them up and move them back to his office. We probably all saw the movie frozen: Let it go is great advice, just don’t start singing it!

  I love animals and my husband is not an animal person. We have two cats and a dog. We have come to the mutual understanding that having a pet in the house does not mean they have to be in the bedrooms or anywhere near our bed. As a matter fact our dog does not even come upstairs. He’s not allowed and he’s smart enough to know he shouldn’t try it. I do not expect my husband to ever clean out the litter box. This is my love and he puts up with it because he loves me. It’s a problem we have solved by both compromising.
     I try to treat my husband as well as, if not better, than I might treat a guest in my house after all he’s my best friend. He’s not perfect but he is mine!