10 Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

10                                        Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

     One of the most important things I learned from H. Wallace Goddard’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is that there is always room for improvement even in the strongest marriages. Within each relationship there is change and growth meaning we are all learning and growing and changing and that is a good thing. The change and growth requires some adjustment in my relationship and since I cannot change anyone else but myself it is a great place to start.                                                                                                                 

     Every marriage as it grows and changes will have good and challenging parts about it, this does not mean the marriage is in trouble or bad it’s just different. Different is just that, different. An example might be after I had a baby my body was different, not bad just different and that took adjustment and ironically the changes turned out to be a huge blessing because well we had a little human of our own. Just like baring a child is tough we do it because there are blessings and growth down the road. We are playing the long game. Relationships are like that sometimes the adjustments are tough but aren’t we building something that will last through eternity, the long game?

     Learning to have respect for my husband’s differences including his dreams and  trying to understand why he feels the way he does are ways I can open doors to better communication. This will bring us even closer as a couple as we work through the challenges. Having a child changed who I was, it changed who he was as well, and growth does that.  

     Being quick to forgive and humble enough to be teachable are both ways that I can improve my relationship with my husband. Focusing on the good is a way for me to improve my thoughts. I have to remember he is on my side, he wants me to succeed as much as I want him to succeed, we are not in competition we are a team.  I have a saying that says, “What you see depends on what you’re looking for.” What am I looking for? Good deeds, thoughtful acts, kind words or am I looking for the towel not to be hung perfect or the dish to be left in the sink? What would the Savior be looking for?

     Seeking to understand and truly trying to feel what my spouse feels is a perfect way to start. Using Christ as an example of loving unconditionally reminds me that if I choose to follow him then I choose to change myself. Fixing my partner isn’t an option and fixing me is. How can I expect my spouse to understand me if I don’t first seek to understand him? Catherine Thomas nailed it on the head when she said, “We often get things backwards, much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but for the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”) Yikes have I been guilty of that?! I’m afraid so, I love that it makes me take a hard look at myself. There is no improvement if I don’t recognize where I need to grow. Growth is tough, but isn’t everything you ever worked hard for been something you value? 
     
     An example of when my husband helped me work hard on something and succeed was when I decided to join a Ragnar running team. I was super nervous and begin preparing months in advance. He always asked how my run went as I was training and when race weekend came he supported me. It was my 3rd leg and I was just completing the end of 1 1/2 mile uphill section before my last little bit and there he was in his truck parked at the top of the hill waving. It helped me push through the final leg so I could hand off to runner # 3.  

  

    A time when I helped him succeed was when he wanted to build our dream house himself. Yep he did it, I supported him by bringing dinner up to the house every night, with our 5 kids (13-3)we had prayers and scriptures. Once the kids were in bed  run back and help for a while. During the day while he was at work I'd sweep and clean up his work area so it was ready to go after work. I helped frame wall and sat on top of lifted walls while he lowered trusses with a tractor. I ran chop saw, learned to tile floors and hang cabinets and put in windows and other fun things. Together we can do amazing things. So helping each other succeed we can accomplish great things. Here's our house. I think it turned out great. 

   No matter how fantastic my husband is he cannot read my mind. I wish he could truly but he doesn’t so I need to share my needs and feelings and put him out of the misery of trying to guess. He’s great at saying I love you every day but  sometimes I wish he’d throw his schedule to the wind and say, “I want to spend the day with you today. What shall we do? “Wouldn’t that be awesome? I guess I should tell him. See always room for growth even while blogging.