11 Fidelity and Intimacy

Week 11 Blog Fidelity and Intimacy

     Emotional Infidelity or emotional intimacy with someone else is a form of cheating and it is one of two things that jumped out at me this week. What is it? When your emotions and thoughts are not focused on your spouse they are directed toward someone else. It’s a form of cheating since you are cutting your spouse out and sharing the emotional part of yourself with someone else. Being emotionally intimate usually happens with someone we are attracted to in some way, weather it is because they are a good listener, or empathetic or simply kind. If the relationship has becomes a crutch and giving you an excuse to remain distant from your spouse, you are participating in emotional infidelity.

     I’ve seen this happen to friends, some good Christians, others not. It seems to sneak up on the unsuspecting and before they realized it the marriage was in trouble. It also seemed to have a pattern and no one is immune to it. I know that seems harsh but given the right set of circumstances anyone could fall into Pandora’s Box. Safeguarding yourself with a few precautions can help you from falling into the trap.

     I call it a trap and use the word fall because most people who find themselves in the Emotional infidelity category didn’t plan for it to happen. It wasn’t intentional per se but they did ignore some warning signs and that my friend is a part of the danger. What are some of the warning signs? 

•  When the friendship becomes special as H. Wallace Goddard mentions in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  
• When you feel the need to defend the time spent with them and wonder what others may think.
•  Making excuses for time spent is another warning sign.  

     If you find yourself doing these things you may want to reprioritize your relationship and recommit to the one you promised all your heart to. 

     This brings me to the second thing that jumped out this week. What is all my heart? In Goddard’s book he references Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all the heart, thou shalt cleave unto her and none else.” He says, “No sharing, no dividing, no depriving the words none else eliminate everyone and everything.” That narrows it down to only the person we are lawfully and legally married to.  

      In order to turn spiritual infidelity from a negative to a more achievable sounding event lets change our thinking to Spiritual fidelity as Goddard phrases it. Spiritual fidelity to our spouse certainly has a more positive sound to improving the marriage. Spiritual fidelity to the one we are married to can bring enormous blessings and closeness not found in other relationships. This takes work we can look at those who have the relationship we desire and they may make it look easy but it isn’t and it requires sacrifice and dedication. You may start with asking yourself, “How much do you desire to have that kind of relationship? “ And, “What are you willing to do to achieve it?”

 After 33 years of marriage I have a few ideas:

• ·       Date night is a must and it doesn't have to be big, a twist cone at McDonalds,  sitting on the rock out front, going for a walk, play a game together. It all counts, take time to like each other.  
• ·       Always give a kiss and hug before leaving and when coming home. You never know when one of you may not make it back home. The kiss and hug would mean a lot to the one left behind. I hope this isn’t morbid but I didn’t ever what the last thing someone remembered about me to be unkind words. I always added, “Be safe, I love you.” Who doesn’t want to come home to that?!
• ·       Find out what your spouse most appreciates: My husband liked dinner, I preferred he take the baby off my hands so I could make dinner. Right before he came home I would throw onion and butter in a pan so the house smelled great, like I was actually making dinner…. He would come in and say how great it smelled and ask, “What’s for dinner?” I would say, “It’s a surprise,” he would take the baby and then I’d get creative and figure out what the heck I was going to make because it was going to be a surprise to me too. It worked for us.
• ·       Plan quality time that’s code for well you know….. It sounds silly but with 5 kids it wasn’t going to happen if we didn’t plan ahead. We also had code words that would prepare the other if someone wanted an impromptu rendezvous.
• ·       Put your phone, book, paper, iPad, or whatever distraction down and listen. Give your spouse your undivided attention for 15 minute every day at some point.
• ·       Say thank you often, thank you, thank you, thank you find something to be thankful for.  

     That’s a few good ones to start with. 

     Marriage is like taking a trip to Disney World, there are lots of ways to get there, plane, drive, bike, walk, train or bus. Some are definitely easier and less time consuming but all will eventually get you there. You may have delays or cancelations, flat tires or layovers but you don’t give up and just bail out, you find another way, you’ve been planning this trip as long time and you are going to Disney. Marriage is the same it’s a journey toward a very special place, you may have flat tires and lay overs but the journey will be worth it if you don’t give up and stay focused on the end goal.

     When preparing for your trip you take certain things you’ll need to be able to enjoy your time in the Magic Kingdom and marriage again needs certain things, complete fidelity and devotion with all your heart are things you will need to enjoy your trip.                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                            Be safe, I love you!