12 Becoming One in My Marriage

12   Becoming One in My Marriage

     When you take two completely different individuals with different cultures and back grounds and put them under one roof there are sure to be conflict and struggle. As the logistics of the relationship are worked out conflict happens less often and hopefully some of these differences find way to a joint collaboration. Ideally these differences are worked out before children arrive on the scene and throw a wrench into the middle of it all and begin playing parent off of each other. This can create lots of unnecessary strife and hurt between the couple unless they know how to be united as one.

     Parents are the leaders in the family And in a healthy, well functioning family there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the "executive committee" and the "Board of Directors" of the family. (Who is the boss power relationships and families," Richard Miller BYU Conference on Family Life, March 2008)

     Here is an example of a less than stellar moment in our marriage where we were not united and how it caused some conflict. My oldest was about 13 years old and decided he wanted to argue about something he was asked to do. My husband walked in mid-conversation and said, and I quote,” Miranda why don’t you just drop it, you’re the adult?” Yes he actually said that, I was completely flabbergasted that my husband would undermine me that way and said in a very tight strained voice, “Will you please talk with me in the library?” At least we knew to talk away from the kids. “I turned and asked him, if he ever spoke to his mother that way and he said, “No.” I said, “Why not?” He said, his dad “would have killed him.” I then asked why he allows his son to talk to his wife that way. His response, “I have No idea.” Thank goodness I had a wise husband and he promptly went out and handled the teenager. After that when I had a mouthy teen he would take them in to the library and have a chat.  

     When Henry B. Eyring, (Power From on High, (Ensign, 1998), mentioned having unity in families after being softened by the spirit and that unity provided great power. It made me realize that as we are unified we will be able to feel the workings of the spirit and if we responded to those soft feelings from the Savior we are worthy to have power from on high. I could certainly use some wisdom from on high.  He also warned about pride in relationships and the destruction it causes and the importance of being peacemakers. Matt 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be calle the children of God."

                                 

     As far as workings of the spirit go we used to pray daily for each of the 5 kids by name asking for guidance to know what and how to create opportunities for them to gain a relationship with the Savior. We had scripture reading almost every day, prayers and FHE (family home evening) each was high on the list of important daily and weekly activities. These activities provide opportunity for spiritual discussion and instruction. We were always unified in these activities.

     Striving to have the spirit in your home and in decisions made on a daily basis can help keep unity in not only marriage but in families as well. I asked two of my married daughters if they could think of a time when we had unity in reference to us being parents and them as kids and they both said they couldn’t think of one because we always seemed to have unity. That was amazing to hear from some of my kids.

     Being peacemakers is definitely a way to become one in marriage as well. Always keeping in mind the tone you use when speaking to each other. We have a little code word we use to check the tone being used. I ask my husband, “Is that a tone?” that’s a heads up to check how he is speaking, when he asks me, “Are you being sassy?” I know I need to check myself. It’s so nice that his innocent question is a great reminder to check my sassy voice often I don’t even realize I’m sounding snappy. It’s something we use to be sure neither one of us become one of those couples that speak so rudely to each other. We always ask with a smile.

     I mentioned pride and the destruction it can cause. Many marriages struggle when the battle over who is in control becomes more important than being equal partners. Couples must be united together when they make decisions and counsel together for the good of the family. Treating each other with love and respect keeps communication open and unified. Praying for understanding and guidance also helps. After all aren’t we planning to be together forever? Anything amazing I have ever accomplished required sacrifice, work and dedication and none of those things were as important as my marriage.