13 In law Relations

Week 13 Blog In-Law Relations

     When we think marriage we think of a perfect union with our beloved spouse forever almost perfection but we sometimes forget when we marry, we marry their family as well. I'm not talking about being completely enmeshed in a controlling way, just that there is some enmeshment which I’ll explain later, I’m referring to the culture in one family verses the culture in the other family. How do we put it all together to create the new family? I have to say the struggle is real and involves eloquence, patience and love. 

     Elder Marvin J Ashton said, "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement." Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(James M. Harper  & Susanne Frost Olsen)* I love the way this quote teaches us that roles may change but family is still valuable.     

     When I married, I moved completely across the country from Florida to north of Seattle, Washington. We were near his family and I wanted to build close relationships with my new relatives. I wanted a second mom, a new sister and someone I felt close to and could call for anything. That isn’t how it happened. Genesis 2: 24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." His mom did not see the value of this scripture. 

     There was some enmeshment from my husband’s mother and she wasn’t thrilled I was taking her son. She made it clear with non-verbal communication that I was not her daughter, nor was I good enough for her son, “Bradley the Great,” yes, she actually called him that. Hind sight, it should have been a red flag; luckily she was the only one who assumed he was perfect. "One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. That is when a married couple begins to think of themselves as existing together as a unit separate from others in the family.  Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(J. Harper & S. Olsen)* As Brad and I set boundaries as a new unit there were some trouble spots and ultimately over time our marital identity became stronger and there began to be less conflicts.       

     There were lots of implicit family rules, non-spoken rules that were followed by everyone but me. For example, “shut up” was bad. Shopping at Macy’s was the only place to shop and you never went into a thrift store. I grew up going to thrift stores, saving money was an art form to be proud of and I took pride in reclaiming products and fixing them up. Even today I live in a big beautiful home decorated with items I found and restored. I learned to refinish furniture, build patios and developed other talents I am proud of my husband loves this; his hard earned paycheck is stretched much farther by my skills. Skills my mother in law used to scorn.

     Despite the fact that I couldn’t be a daughter I decided I could go with the friend aspect and we have come to a mutual appreciation. I continued in my effort for my husband’s sake and for my children. I want them to love their family and it gives them more roots.

    Some other implicit family rules, girls did not mow the lawn, girls did cook homemade bread and make pot roast on Sundays. My mother in law was a wonderful cook and taught me lots of yummy things like making freezer jam, homemade bread and rhubarb pie and adding some of the family recipes to my list of meals to cook. I could definitely get on board with that. I did still mow lawns and no, I did not choose to do roast on Sundays, it’s a day of rest and we have leftovers from Sat.  

     Building your own family while maintaining extended family relationships is important, these relationships often need some boundaries and lots of love. Assuring my mom-in-law that I only wanted to add to the family not take her son was something she needed to hear. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I am the mother in law. I have the best in-law-kids ever! One calls me Mom the other two do not but we are close, I let it be their choice. When my kids married I felt like I gained new kids, not lost my originals. You can’t have too much family in my opinion and I value the strengths each has brought to the overall group.  

     I taught my kids to think and pray so when they think differently than I do, it’s okay, I know they are praying and asking for guidance from the Lord, nothing makes me more proud then to know they are living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We all still love each other even when we are not together. Since relationships are the only thing we will take with us when we die, they are invaluable and precious. Find a way to work it out, whatever it is, it’ll be worth it.

*Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, Chapter 37, (James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen)