10 Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

10                                        Seeking to Understand Him or is it ME?

     One of the most important things I learned from H. Wallace Goddard’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is that there is always room for improvement even in the strongest marriages. Within each relationship there is change and growth meaning we are all learning and growing and changing and that is a good thing. The change and growth requires some adjustment in my relationship and since I cannot change anyone else but myself it is a great place to start.                                                                                                                 

     Every marriage as it grows and changes will have good and challenging parts about it, this does not mean the marriage is in trouble or bad it’s just different. Different is just that, different. An example might be after I had a baby my body was different, not bad just different and that took adjustment and ironically the changes turned out to be a huge blessing because well we had a little human of our own. Just like baring a child is tough we do it because there are blessings and growth down the road. We are playing the long game. Relationships are like that sometimes the adjustments are tough but aren’t we building something that will last through eternity, the long game?

     Learning to have respect for my husband’s differences including his dreams and  trying to understand why he feels the way he does are ways I can open doors to better communication. This will bring us even closer as a couple as we work through the challenges. Having a child changed who I was, it changed who he was as well, and growth does that.  

     Being quick to forgive and humble enough to be teachable are both ways that I can improve my relationship with my husband. Focusing on the good is a way for me to improve my thoughts. I have to remember he is on my side, he wants me to succeed as much as I want him to succeed, we are not in competition we are a team.  I have a saying that says, “What you see depends on what you’re looking for.” What am I looking for? Good deeds, thoughtful acts, kind words or am I looking for the towel not to be hung perfect or the dish to be left in the sink? What would the Savior be looking for?

     Seeking to understand and truly trying to feel what my spouse feels is a perfect way to start. Using Christ as an example of loving unconditionally reminds me that if I choose to follow him then I choose to change myself. Fixing my partner isn’t an option and fixing me is. How can I expect my spouse to understand me if I don’t first seek to understand him? Catherine Thomas nailed it on the head when she said, “We often get things backwards, much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but for the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”) Yikes have I been guilty of that?! I’m afraid so, I love that it makes me take a hard look at myself. There is no improvement if I don’t recognize where I need to grow. Growth is tough, but isn’t everything you ever worked hard for been something you value? 
     
     An example of when my husband helped me work hard on something and succeed was when I decided to join a Ragnar running team. I was super nervous and begin preparing months in advance. He always asked how my run went as I was training and when race weekend came he supported me. It was my 3rd leg and I was just completing the end of 1 1/2 mile uphill section before my last little bit and there he was in his truck parked at the top of the hill waving. It helped me push through the final leg so I could hand off to runner # 3.  

  

    A time when I helped him succeed was when he wanted to build our dream house himself. Yep he did it, I supported him by bringing dinner up to the house every night, with our 5 kids (13-3)we had prayers and scriptures. Once the kids were in bed  run back and help for a while. During the day while he was at work I'd sweep and clean up his work area so it was ready to go after work. I helped frame wall and sat on top of lifted walls while he lowered trusses with a tractor. I ran chop saw, learned to tile floors and hang cabinets and put in windows and other fun things. Together we can do amazing things. So helping each other succeed we can accomplish great things. Here's our house. I think it turned out great. 

   No matter how fantastic my husband is he cannot read my mind. I wish he could truly but he doesn’t so I need to share my needs and feelings and put him out of the misery of trying to guess. He’s great at saying I love you every day but  sometimes I wish he’d throw his schedule to the wind and say, “I want to spend the day with you today. What shall we do? “Wouldn’t that be awesome? I guess I should tell him. See always room for growth even while blogging.

9 Conflict 101

9                                                                   Conflict 101
OK we’ve all been there . I remember when my husband and I were first married I tried arguing with him a few times that’s the kind of family I grew up in. However it was almost a complete waste of my time he did not argue back. Where’s the fun in that? I have learned after 33 years that even though we don’t fight and argue we do have conflict. I wouldn’t say it’s more civilized we do get frustrated sometimes inpatient, critical and most definitely stonewalled. I want to talk about it, I want to get it off my chest, I want to deal with the problem now and work through it he doesn’t. Stonewalled ugh!

     If I’m being honest the fact that he doesn’t want to work on the problem is one of our problems. I’m not one for carrying a grudge and I really would rather just talk about it right now. I most certainly need to talk about it before I go to bed otherwise I’m not getting any sleep. He feels flooded by all the information and things he is feeling and needs time to think and process.

     I have on occasion waited to bring something up for several days. At one point I had five little kids at home and I was feeling the effects of very little sleep and a 24 hour a day seven days a week responsibility and little people needing something around the clock, forget going to the restroom by myself. I was trying to find a way to let my husband now I needed some help, a break, some time with him, time away from them (little people) looking back on it I don’t know I just didn’t say that to him. He was working really hard and doing the best he could and I didn’t want him to feel like a bad person or that I wasn’t happy so I stewed about it for a week or so, and when I finally felt like I could talk about it in a kind way without anger, frustration or contempt in my voice I simply said, “You have been a very good electrician this week and that’s all.” Thank goodness he was emotionally intelligent man, lucky me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.

     I do not recommend trying to say something without really saying something it’s the hard way. I do recommend as John Gottman said in, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” you simply say exactly how you’re feeling and exactly what you need or want. It probably would’ve been much easier for me to just say I’m tired, I need a break, I need some time with you, and I miss you. I was young and overwhelmed. If you haven’t had the opportunity to feel overwhelmed by your children just wait it’s coming, I promise.
     I read this book years ago called, “How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk,” I can’t remember the author. It was very helpful and gave me some really good suggestions much like Dr. Gottman‘s book and the tips from there worked really good on husbands as well. For example if you need the garbage taken out you can say, “Take the garbage out sheesh, how any times do I have to ask?” or “Is there any reason you couldn’t run the garbage out, thanks.” Of course there isn’t a good reason and wa-la your garbage is on its way to the garage. Magic, it’s the words and the way we ask for what we need. (I’m not talking about needing a new pair of cute shoes you have to have) I’m talking emotional need.  It can change your conflict to a small percentage of your relationship.  

     Some conflict can be solved fairly quickly like my husband in the way he squeezes his toothpaste. I just bought us each our own tube. Problem solved.  Some conflict is going to continue or be perpetual. For example my husband will continue to make piles, I have two choices get upset and  be frustrated or realize he’s going to make piles and stack things and I need to give him a space ( a whole room) he can do that and just close the door. When the piles start to encroach into my living room or my kitchen I simply pick them up and move them back to his office. We probably all saw the movie frozen: Let it go is great advice, just don’t start singing it!

  I love animals and my husband is not an animal person. We have two cats and a dog. We have come to the mutual understanding that having a pet in the house does not mean they have to be in the bedrooms or anywhere near our bed. As a matter fact our dog does not even come upstairs. He’s not allowed and he’s smart enough to know he shouldn’t try it. I do not expect my husband to ever clean out the litter box. This is my love and he puts up with it because he loves me. It’s a problem we have solved by both compromising.
     I try to treat my husband as well as, if not better, than I might treat a guest in my house after all he’s my best friend. He’s not perfect but he is mine!

8 Pride

8                          Learning to Check My Pride at the Garage Door.

     His way, my way, or the highway, can there truly be no other option? When it comes to marriage and family there is no room for pride. It takes up too much space and it hurts too many feelings and basically gets us nobody anywhere except in the dog house. Why is it is so easy to see pride in other people and so hard to see in myself? I wish we had a mirror for that, when I find myself feeling contentious instead of self-reflecting to see if I’m the problem, I could just run to a mirror and see the ugly part I need to get rid of deal with it and be on my way. Or better yet take a pill or receive an inoculation and be cured.

     Ezra Taft Benson mentioned several, okay a lot, of different types of pride: faultfinding, gossiping, complaining, criticizing, backbiting, being unforgiving or jealousy. It can be conceited, selfish, fighting, using unrighteousness dominion even withholding gratitude. It  usually brings contention with it so it’s not too hard to recognize especially when we see it in others.  
     Benson states, ‘Pride is a universal sin.” At least I’m not the only one dealing with it. Sin is a tricky word. Does that mean his (my husbands) will verses my will or His will, meaning the Saviors will, verses my will? If it’s the Saviors will that would take on a different connotation needing some repentance on my part. Ezra Taft Benson says, “The antidote for pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness”-(Alma 7:23) it is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I find it really easy to want to fix others it’s much more difficult to fix myself.

     One example of my pride brings contention into my marriage: Whenever my husband borrows something from my tool box (we have separate ones) or my gardening tools, shovels etc. it goes missing. I find them in the yard, on the top of the washing machine, on the floor of the garage, in the back of his truck and everywhere but where he got them, which is on a shelf or a hook in the garage. This makes me crazy…..You tell me am I the one being prideful or is he the problem? Okay you probably shouldn’t answer that. I have 2 choices be frustrated with him and explain his obvious sin or just smile change my attitude, since it is all I can change after 33 years of trying to change him and put away whatever was left out myself.

     Using my agency and forgiving him and just putting it away is changing myself, it is really all I can do, I’m choosing him over my tools, he is more valuable than my tools are. I’m choosing kindness, forgiveness, charity and love, the Saviors way. “Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into you Marriage) I can choose to be forgiving letting go of my righteous pride and how good I am about putting things away and realize he’s just good at other stuff. Does a happy marriage require 2 forgivers? Yes I believe it does. Do you?

7 How do we turn toward each other and not away?

7           How do we turn toward each other and not away?

      It is so easy to be distracted by my electronic devices that I have found myself sitting at a restaurant with my husband looking at my phone and believe it or not he is doing the same. When did this happen? It didn’t used to be this way. I wouldn’t call this quality time and isn’t that the reason we went out? How do we put down our phones to really connect and turn towards one another like we used to? What happened? 

As I look around the restaurant I see the same thing going on at other tables. I’m afraid we have an epidemic on our hands. I’ve been guilty of texting a kid upstairs to say, “Come to dinner.”  
How have we become so busy that we schedule time together and when we are together we struggle with focusing on each other? Where do we find the self-control to put down our devices? 

     I found a couple of good ideas in my continued reading this week. One of my favorites has become “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John D. Gottman. He has some great ideas on how to turn towards one another and improve our relationships and who doesn’t want better relationships in their life? 

     One of the several of the ways he encourages us to turn towards each other is by practicing positive feedback, (this can be done verbally or nonverbally by using eye contact and responding to what they are saying.) This is more that uh huh or an occasional glance and can be more friendly when we angle our body and face the person speaking and look them in the eye. Another way is to be helpful and kind, answering bids for each other‘s attention, affection humor or support. A bid can be something small like asking for a back rub or saying hi. Depending on how you respond means you’re turning toward or away from your spouse. Being a good listener is important. Good listening is more than polite listening, it’s more empathetic or attentive. Give your spouse the benefit of doubt and react in a positive manner, put your electronics down, talk to each other, take turns, show interest, communicate that you understand, use positive words, be affectionate and validate your spouse’s emotions. 

     Okay so it’s a big list of ideas, I don’t have to do it all at once or even everything on the list but I just need to start somewhere. Any step I take brings me closer to my spouse and that is what I want. He is my best friend after all and I want to keep it that way. I decided to try out some of the new advice I read and I wanted to start small. So today as my husband walked to the kitchen I said , “hi cute man”, he did not respond my first thought was I put a “bid of affection” out there as Dr. Gottman calls  it and he turned away. But I was mistaken just as my husband was exiting the kitchen he said over his shoulder, "I thought I was the hot man” So I said “hi hot man," it made me smile. I had tossed an affectionate bid his directions and he had accepted it. That was test number one.

     A little bit later in the day I decided to try it out again this time I said, “Hey hot man do you want to go for a walk along the river?”  He looked at me smiled and said, “Sure.” This is working so either Dr. Gottman is a genius or I have a great husband, hey maybe it’s both! I continued to test this theory throughout the week and found we are doing pretty well at accepting each other’s bids for affection and attention.

     I like this because Gottman mentions several times in his book these are signs of a healthy marriage or relationship and that successful marriages accept bids from each other 86% of the time (Gottman pg. 88.) I think taking notice of these moments is also going to have other benefits for me, for example gratitude for the man I love will increase as I notice his responses or bids to me. Affection for his attempts and responses will grow more and these will bring us closer. In turning toward him I’m still going to have to be the one to put down my phone or leave it in my pocket when we go out but isn’t it a small thing for the guy I adore? Yes, yes it is.