13 In law Relations

Week 13 Blog In-Law Relations

     When we think marriage we think of a perfect union with our beloved spouse forever almost perfection but we sometimes forget when we marry, we marry their family as well. I'm not talking about being completely enmeshed in a controlling way, just that there is some enmeshment which I’ll explain later, I’m referring to the culture in one family verses the culture in the other family. How do we put it all together to create the new family? I have to say the struggle is real and involves eloquence, patience and love. 

     Elder Marvin J Ashton said, "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement." Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(James M. Harper  & Susanne Frost Olsen)* I love the way this quote teaches us that roles may change but family is still valuable.     

     When I married, I moved completely across the country from Florida to north of Seattle, Washington. We were near his family and I wanted to build close relationships with my new relatives. I wanted a second mom, a new sister and someone I felt close to and could call for anything. That isn’t how it happened. Genesis 2: 24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." His mom did not see the value of this scripture. 

     There was some enmeshment from my husband’s mother and she wasn’t thrilled I was taking her son. She made it clear with non-verbal communication that I was not her daughter, nor was I good enough for her son, “Bradley the Great,” yes, she actually called him that. Hind sight, it should have been a red flag; luckily she was the only one who assumed he was perfect. "One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. That is when a married couple begins to think of themselves as existing together as a unit separate from others in the family.  Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,(J. Harper & S. Olsen)* As Brad and I set boundaries as a new unit there were some trouble spots and ultimately over time our marital identity became stronger and there began to be less conflicts.       

     There were lots of implicit family rules, non-spoken rules that were followed by everyone but me. For example, “shut up” was bad. Shopping at Macy’s was the only place to shop and you never went into a thrift store. I grew up going to thrift stores, saving money was an art form to be proud of and I took pride in reclaiming products and fixing them up. Even today I live in a big beautiful home decorated with items I found and restored. I learned to refinish furniture, build patios and developed other talents I am proud of my husband loves this; his hard earned paycheck is stretched much farther by my skills. Skills my mother in law used to scorn.

     Despite the fact that I couldn’t be a daughter I decided I could go with the friend aspect and we have come to a mutual appreciation. I continued in my effort for my husband’s sake and for my children. I want them to love their family and it gives them more roots.

    Some other implicit family rules, girls did not mow the lawn, girls did cook homemade bread and make pot roast on Sundays. My mother in law was a wonderful cook and taught me lots of yummy things like making freezer jam, homemade bread and rhubarb pie and adding some of the family recipes to my list of meals to cook. I could definitely get on board with that. I did still mow lawns and no, I did not choose to do roast on Sundays, it’s a day of rest and we have leftovers from Sat.  

     Building your own family while maintaining extended family relationships is important, these relationships often need some boundaries and lots of love. Assuring my mom-in-law that I only wanted to add to the family not take her son was something she needed to hear. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I am the mother in law. I have the best in-law-kids ever! One calls me Mom the other two do not but we are close, I let it be their choice. When my kids married I felt like I gained new kids, not lost my originals. You can’t have too much family in my opinion and I value the strengths each has brought to the overall group.  

     I taught my kids to think and pray so when they think differently than I do, it’s okay, I know they are praying and asking for guidance from the Lord, nothing makes me more proud then to know they are living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We all still love each other even when we are not together. Since relationships are the only thing we will take with us when we die, they are invaluable and precious. Find a way to work it out, whatever it is, it’ll be worth it.

*Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, Chapter 37, (James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen)  

12 Becoming One in My Marriage

12   Becoming One in My Marriage

     When you take two completely different individuals with different cultures and back grounds and put them under one roof there are sure to be conflict and struggle. As the logistics of the relationship are worked out conflict happens less often and hopefully some of these differences find way to a joint collaboration. Ideally these differences are worked out before children arrive on the scene and throw a wrench into the middle of it all and begin playing parent off of each other. This can create lots of unnecessary strife and hurt between the couple unless they know how to be united as one.

     Parents are the leaders in the family And in a healthy, well functioning family there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the "executive committee" and the "Board of Directors" of the family. (Who is the boss power relationships and families," Richard Miller BYU Conference on Family Life, March 2008)

     Here is an example of a less than stellar moment in our marriage where we were not united and how it caused some conflict. My oldest was about 13 years old and decided he wanted to argue about something he was asked to do. My husband walked in mid-conversation and said, and I quote,” Miranda why don’t you just drop it, you’re the adult?” Yes he actually said that, I was completely flabbergasted that my husband would undermine me that way and said in a very tight strained voice, “Will you please talk with me in the library?” At least we knew to talk away from the kids. “I turned and asked him, if he ever spoke to his mother that way and he said, “No.” I said, “Why not?” He said, his dad “would have killed him.” I then asked why he allows his son to talk to his wife that way. His response, “I have No idea.” Thank goodness I had a wise husband and he promptly went out and handled the teenager. After that when I had a mouthy teen he would take them in to the library and have a chat.  

     When Henry B. Eyring, (Power From on High, (Ensign, 1998), mentioned having unity in families after being softened by the spirit and that unity provided great power. It made me realize that as we are unified we will be able to feel the workings of the spirit and if we responded to those soft feelings from the Savior we are worthy to have power from on high. I could certainly use some wisdom from on high.  He also warned about pride in relationships and the destruction it causes and the importance of being peacemakers. Matt 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be calle the children of God."

                                 

     As far as workings of the spirit go we used to pray daily for each of the 5 kids by name asking for guidance to know what and how to create opportunities for them to gain a relationship with the Savior. We had scripture reading almost every day, prayers and FHE (family home evening) each was high on the list of important daily and weekly activities. These activities provide opportunity for spiritual discussion and instruction. We were always unified in these activities.

     Striving to have the spirit in your home and in decisions made on a daily basis can help keep unity in not only marriage but in families as well. I asked two of my married daughters if they could think of a time when we had unity in reference to us being parents and them as kids and they both said they couldn’t think of one because we always seemed to have unity. That was amazing to hear from some of my kids.

     Being peacemakers is definitely a way to become one in marriage as well. Always keeping in mind the tone you use when speaking to each other. We have a little code word we use to check the tone being used. I ask my husband, “Is that a tone?” that’s a heads up to check how he is speaking, when he asks me, “Are you being sassy?” I know I need to check myself. It’s so nice that his innocent question is a great reminder to check my sassy voice often I don’t even realize I’m sounding snappy. It’s something we use to be sure neither one of us become one of those couples that speak so rudely to each other. We always ask with a smile.

     I mentioned pride and the destruction it can cause. Many marriages struggle when the battle over who is in control becomes more important than being equal partners. Couples must be united together when they make decisions and counsel together for the good of the family. Treating each other with love and respect keeps communication open and unified. Praying for understanding and guidance also helps. After all aren’t we planning to be together forever? Anything amazing I have ever accomplished required sacrifice, work and dedication and none of those things were as important as my marriage.

  

      

11 Fidelity and Intimacy

Week 11 Blog Fidelity and Intimacy

     Emotional Infidelity or emotional intimacy with someone else is a form of cheating and it is one of two things that jumped out at me this week. What is it? When your emotions and thoughts are not focused on your spouse they are directed toward someone else. It’s a form of cheating since you are cutting your spouse out and sharing the emotional part of yourself with someone else. Being emotionally intimate usually happens with someone we are attracted to in some way, weather it is because they are a good listener, or empathetic or simply kind. If the relationship has becomes a crutch and giving you an excuse to remain distant from your spouse, you are participating in emotional infidelity.

     I’ve seen this happen to friends, some good Christians, others not. It seems to sneak up on the unsuspecting and before they realized it the marriage was in trouble. It also seemed to have a pattern and no one is immune to it. I know that seems harsh but given the right set of circumstances anyone could fall into Pandora’s Box. Safeguarding yourself with a few precautions can help you from falling into the trap.

     I call it a trap and use the word fall because most people who find themselves in the Emotional infidelity category didn’t plan for it to happen. It wasn’t intentional per se but they did ignore some warning signs and that my friend is a part of the danger. What are some of the warning signs? 

•  When the friendship becomes special as H. Wallace Goddard mentions in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  
• When you feel the need to defend the time spent with them and wonder what others may think.
•  Making excuses for time spent is another warning sign.  

     If you find yourself doing these things you may want to reprioritize your relationship and recommit to the one you promised all your heart to. 

     This brings me to the second thing that jumped out this week. What is all my heart? In Goddard’s book he references Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all the heart, thou shalt cleave unto her and none else.” He says, “No sharing, no dividing, no depriving the words none else eliminate everyone and everything.” That narrows it down to only the person we are lawfully and legally married to.  

      In order to turn spiritual infidelity from a negative to a more achievable sounding event lets change our thinking to Spiritual fidelity as Goddard phrases it. Spiritual fidelity to our spouse certainly has a more positive sound to improving the marriage. Spiritual fidelity to the one we are married to can bring enormous blessings and closeness not found in other relationships. This takes work we can look at those who have the relationship we desire and they may make it look easy but it isn’t and it requires sacrifice and dedication. You may start with asking yourself, “How much do you desire to have that kind of relationship? “ And, “What are you willing to do to achieve it?”

 After 33 years of marriage I have a few ideas:

• ·       Date night is a must and it doesn't have to be big, a twist cone at McDonalds,  sitting on the rock out front, going for a walk, play a game together. It all counts, take time to like each other.  
• ·       Always give a kiss and hug before leaving and when coming home. You never know when one of you may not make it back home. The kiss and hug would mean a lot to the one left behind. I hope this isn’t morbid but I didn’t ever what the last thing someone remembered about me to be unkind words. I always added, “Be safe, I love you.” Who doesn’t want to come home to that?!
• ·       Find out what your spouse most appreciates: My husband liked dinner, I preferred he take the baby off my hands so I could make dinner. Right before he came home I would throw onion and butter in a pan so the house smelled great, like I was actually making dinner…. He would come in and say how great it smelled and ask, “What’s for dinner?” I would say, “It’s a surprise,” he would take the baby and then I’d get creative and figure out what the heck I was going to make because it was going to be a surprise to me too. It worked for us.
• ·       Plan quality time that’s code for well you know….. It sounds silly but with 5 kids it wasn’t going to happen if we didn’t plan ahead. We also had code words that would prepare the other if someone wanted an impromptu rendezvous.
• ·       Put your phone, book, paper, iPad, or whatever distraction down and listen. Give your spouse your undivided attention for 15 minute every day at some point.
• ·       Say thank you often, thank you, thank you, thank you find something to be thankful for.  

     That’s a few good ones to start with. 

     Marriage is like taking a trip to Disney World, there are lots of ways to get there, plane, drive, bike, walk, train or bus. Some are definitely easier and less time consuming but all will eventually get you there. You may have delays or cancelations, flat tires or layovers but you don’t give up and just bail out, you find another way, you’ve been planning this trip as long time and you are going to Disney. Marriage is the same it’s a journey toward a very special place, you may have flat tires and lay overs but the journey will be worth it if you don’t give up and stay focused on the end goal.

     When preparing for your trip you take certain things you’ll need to be able to enjoy your time in the Magic Kingdom and marriage again needs certain things, complete fidelity and devotion with all your heart are things you will need to enjoy your trip.                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                            Be safe, I love you!