6 The Greastest Joy is From Sacrifice

6        5/28/19             The Greastest Joy is From Sacrifice            

     Sacrificing for the ones we love can, and usually is, inconvenient. So how do we show the people we love the most, understanding and patience the same way we give understanding and patience to others outside our family? It’s an old question but in my research this week I’ve discovered some great advice and ideas that can help me as I try to show understanding better today than I did yesterday.

     In my marriage we have certain things that come up repeatedly, not big things but certainly annoying things. For example the pillow on the couch gets stuffed down into the crack when my husband sits there. He never pulls it out, but insists on needing that pillow. I have to get in there and pull for all I’m worth to get it out of there. It drives me crazy but it’s not a deal breaker. I realize this is a silly example but it still makes me annoyed.  

      It reminds me of a quote by Daniel Wile, a marriage therapist, he mentions when we chose a spouse we are choosing a set of problems. “Each potential relationship has its own particular set up inescapable reoccurring problems…. There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, and realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolved problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years,”(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.) We can feel mad and can feel like we've been cheated because of the problems. We can even start some other relationship – which will of course, have its own challenges or we can work on our challenges current in our relationship and become good at solving them.

       Back to the couch pillow, I can get mad, I can throw it out, have no pillows at all or I can even get another pillow but inevitably a pillow will find its way to the couch behind my husband and I will more than likely be pulling it out of the couch for 10, 20 or even 50 years from now. Life can be annoying, challenging or frustrating but can’t it still be good? I think it can be more than good even with the challenges of the day weather, big or small.

     Elder Boyd K Packer said, “It was meant to be, that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. They will be great purpose in our struggle in life” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.) Great purpose, really? What can I learn from pulling the pillow out of the couch for the next 50 years? Patience? Understanding? Compassion? Am I focusing on the right thing, the pillow? Or should I be focused on my husband? Does the pillow change how I feel about my husband? How much will I have to sacrifice in allowing him to stuff that silly pillow? Not much, not really, my husband is certainly more important than the pillow or how the room looks or what others think of the room if they come in and see the pillow half shoved into the couch. It’s really not much of a sacrifice when I look at it that way.       

     Howard and Kathleen Bahr stated in past history “Having sacrificed, and then sacrifice for -was the essential glue of moral society. We cannot keep our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time. A godly approach to marriage will entail inconvenience and sacrifice." (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage) Ok so the pillow is inconvenient, that’s it. So I ask myself what I can do for my partner that would be an appreciated sacrifice. Can I set aside or reduce my time spent gardening, watching Hawaii 5-O, reading, doing homework or shopping?  What activity would I be willing to give up to strengthen my relationship? Can I be a better listener, help pull the garbage out, hold my pillow judgment to myself and can I be more loving and supportive? Maybe instead of changing my husband pillow habit maybe I can focus on my attitude, something I can change.

     I think Tzventan Todorov says it best, “It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes Godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partner and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house. To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person it means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so in the end one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.” What else can be added to that?  I can actually feel richer and have more joy for devoting time and energy to those I love and having had the opportunity to do so. I am truly blessed.  

5 Drawing heaven into marriage, is it possible?

5            5/20/19                      Drawing heaven into Marriage, it is Possible?

   In reading a book recently, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard makes the suggestion that if we become more like Christ in our marital relationship we can overcome a lot of our conflicts, issues and potential problems. He suggests that if we start with our self and seek saintly behavior we can become a new creature in Christ. When we do this we are more likely to process conflict in a more helpful way and fewer things will bother us.

     In my own marriage when I focus on being the right kind of person little things don’t bother me so much. Keeping my eye on the long term goal reminds me of the bigger picture and final destination allowing me to let little annoyances go. For example, if he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle of the tube I can do one of 2 things, be cranky and annoyed or buy him his own tube. How my husband chooses to squeeze the toothpaste should not be a reason to bite the head off the guy I love. Nor should it cause me to lose a joyful spirit and feel contentious. My home should be a safe place  for me but each member of my family also.

     The natural inclination is to be self-serving and have things my way. It is self-centered and a tradition we learn from watching others. How do we choose God”s way and become more good and gracious in our marriages?  Some things Brad and I have used are praying together and reading scriptures together. When we find or learn something interesting or inspiring we share it, this opens the door for other questions we may have. 

     Good communication is crucial in a marriage and learning to be honest yet kind can help avoid a lot of misunderstandings. When we are in a good place spiritually we can ask more difficult questions without taking offense. My husband is my best friend, why would my best friend be trying to hurt my feelings or get even? Simply put he wouldn’t. That being said if I feel offended or snapped at don’t I own my best friend the benefit of doubt and assume something else is going on? One phrase I have found helpful is, “You must have had a hard day, what can I do to help or can you tell me about it?” This is the way the Lord would do it with kindness, love and understanding. The Lord is very clear in his attitude about marriage. Marriage is designed by God and endorsed by him. Basically it is ordained, endorsed, and commanded by God unto man. How cool is that?  God designed marriage to be a kind of refuge or a safe place from our crazy troubled world?

     Goddard asked a couple questions I found humorous and enlightening: “Did God designed marriage as a laboratory where each one of us could conduct daily experiments in Gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch just and refine us?” I think sometimes it can be both a refuge and a storm. Ask Goddard so classically described it,”God did not design marriage as a retirement village where we sunbathe, work the buffet, and play golf. When God ordained marriage he had a loftier and more demanding purpose in mind. Marriage is Gods graduate school for advanced training and Christian character.”

     I love the idea of marriage being a type of training ground to become more like God. With this purpose in mind I can keep focused on the larger picture of maintaining a joy filled lasting marriage and spend less time worrying about little annoyances that will eventually be forgotten because of the great journey I have embarked on, becoming more like Christ.

4 Families and Marriage are being Attacked

4              5/13/19           Families and Marriage are being Attacked

          

        

     Families and marriages are being attacked on the left and right almost as aggressively as wolves attacking prey. One of the predators I see inside families specifically attacks marriage. It called excessive individualism. When one or both marriage partners seem to be more concerned about self than the family or spousal relationship as a unit, the relationship becomes disposable. These drive-by relationships seem to be more of a convenient contract than a marriage covenant.

     Personal autonomy can leave individuals feeling … well individual and alone. Who doesn’t want to be a part of something special? As children we all wanted to be a part of a “club.” Weather our friends or siblings created a special club we wanted in. Why? We innately desire to be a part of something more than ourselves. Culture and society teach us my job, my dreams, my life and if you aren’t a part of my perfect life or want the same things I want then you can just move on and find someone else who “ fits” better. Well butter cup, there is no perfect life. Life is messy, families are messy, kids are messy and I have learned the most about myself by looking at something larger than myself and sticking it out through the tough times.

     For myself and my family there have been tough times, having teenagers was tough, having a little girl on antibiotics for 6 years was tough, having surgeries on unborn babies and almost losing a child tough. There was also awesome, fun, love and compassion and tender hearts for success when children have worked so hard and overcome discouragement and frustration. All of the tough and hard things have also brought the complete opposite with so much joy and happiness to balance. These struggles and successes have strengthened my marriage and the covenant I made to the man I want to spend my life with. We have weathered a lot and grown closer because of it. 

  

     As Bruce C. Hafen mentioned in his Ensign article, Covenant Marriage” Marrying and raising children can yield the most valuable religious experience of there lives. Covenant marriage requires almost a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing the risks that may be required of them. The must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called, “incomprehensible joy.”  

     I like the sound of incomprehensible joy, who has too much of that?

 Had I not stuck out the hard times I would have missed an opportunity to be a part of this club. 

3 Some threats to marriage I should be sure my children understand

     3       5/9/19      Some threats to marriage

     This week I watched A YouTube video by Kathy Ruse from the World Congress of families in 2015,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVTHhQhFb8M#action=share

 she is a mom and a lawyer.  I was really impressed with her candor as she stated 2 mothers do not make a father and 2 fathers do not make a mother. She stressed the importance that every child deserves to have a mother and a father.

     As I farther researched I found a magazine article called “Dear Justice Kennedy: An Open Letter from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent” written by Katie Faust in February 2015. I found it interesting as one daughter in the article was interviewed about her wonderful mother and her loving partner. She loved them both dearly however she said, “It did not replace her father.” She felt every child deserved to know who their mother and father were and that they should have the opportunity to be raised by such parents.
     This got me to thinking some more about my children and about my parents. There were times when my kid’s dad was best suited to handle the child at the time. For example when my young daughter was melting down because she couldn’t find the shoe she needed to go to kindergarten ...... her dad‘s compassion was exactly what she needed. There are also times when I as their mother was what was needed and no matter how wonderful their dad was they needed their mother. For example learning to breast-feed; dad was completely incapable of helping at that time. 

     In 1996 Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, it’s stated; “Civil society has an interest in maintaining and protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage because it has a deep abiding interest in encouraging responsible procreation and child rearing. Simply put, government has an interest in marriage because it has an interest in children."
    

 I wonder if we had no TV, radio Internet or newspapers would this even be an issue today for families? Would a few individuals have been able to push the same sex marriage agenda? 

     I am afraid we have been cultured and groomed over the last 10 years into believing and feeling that same sex couples are just the same as we are and that they are a large percentage of our population which I believe is untrue. Those who want same sex marriage is very small minority of our population. Do I have friends or acquaintances that believe in same sex marriage? Of course I do and they are very dear to me but that does not change the fact that God has declared marriage is between a man and a woman. No matter how much we want it to be different God‘s law is God’s law and it is not open for debate.

     As Cathy Rues asked at the world conference for families in 2015 what will history write about America? Will it write about all of the states who stood up for defending marriage as being  between a man and a woman and that five individuals change that law and forced America to abide by it? Or will it declare that America was open minded and in a tidal wave of decision decided to open arms and support , no endorse same sex marriage as something we think is a great way to raise children?
What do you think?

       If we don’t teach our children what we know about this decision they may not ever learn that government took a personal decision out of the hands of the people and set it as law on a country who didn’t necessarily agree. This is scary, anytime Government starts telling me what I'm supposed to think I feel they have crossed the line in what our constitution was set up for.